What's that sound you hear? Why, it's the maniacal laugh of RuPaul as she leads her newest batch of Queens to the slaughter! That's right, girls, Drag Race is back, and its bigger than ever, in more ways than one!
The first act in RuPaul's RuPremier (patent pending) was the casting special. Now, some of these ladies were pretty bad, some in good way, like the Alaska/Ukelele queen, who maybe should have just done up like Sarah Palin if she was gonna be so awkward, and some in a sad way, like the queen in the bubblebath. I'm sorry, but if you can't even manage a bedsheet into a working outfit, then you're lucky Ru even finished your video, which I'm not sure she did. I did think it was hilarious how a lot of the queens thought that actually singing would be their ticket in. And so I'm sure they sang almost all of their sentences. How wonderful.
I sure as hell bet that Ru was there for every inch, er, minute of the pit crew auditions. While I still commend the queens for actually putting themselves on the line with drag, I do want to bitch out the failed pit crew auditions. You're not auditioning for Broadway, but you're also not auditioning for amateur porn. You just need to stand there, look pretty, and dance a little (which I don't think they need to do too much). This brings me to
Drag Race Life Lesson #1: Don't upsell the product, let it sell itself.
As you probably noticed, the pit crew members that one were not the ones who felt they needed to do extreme dancing and acrobatics (Being a dancer is nice, but it's kind of hard to find you hot when we secretly hope you fall during your handstands, you sexy bastards), and they were also not the ones who felt the need to talk themselves up (You want to be a household name, Alien? You did better in the 80's when you were bursting out of space marines' chests than you do now as a middle aged shag carpet, dear...). Ru wanted economy class hotties who could move, no old junkers or overcompensating sports cars here.
Then there were the auditions. My god, Ru's face at the judging table said it all. Broken Barbie queen was hilariously awkward, but the propositioning old queen was terrifying. Add that to the too-large list of "I'm pretty, so there" queens, and you get a horrible day for poor Ru. At least the two winners from this round actually had fun personalities.
I don't really want to comment on the finalists' videos, since, from what I've seen in the past 2 seasons, they are not very good representations of the girls. The video submissions are always the right combination of hope and attitude, never one more than the other for the finalists. I do, though, want to see Shangela's reentry. That would cast some insight into her surprise return.
After we saw what could have been, we launched right into the premier. Ru had the girls do Christmas themed challenges, including thrift store and tchochke dresses and a trampoline snowstorm photoshoot. I want to take the girls one by one:
Delta Work
Delta didn't do too much this episode. As Big Girl #1, she was surprisingly demure. Porkchop was too friendly, and Mystique was too crazy, but for having such a strong showing during her audition, it was strange to see her in the background so much. The big girls' photos weren't much to look at, but I don't blame them. It seems to be Ru's mandate that their first challenge be awkward and disarming, but most of them held it together enough.
I did not like Delta's final dress. She looked like Carmen Miranda with Marge Simpson's hair, minus the fruit. I know Ru loves it when the girls follow the rules to a T, so I'm surprise she let this one slide. I mean, Kwanzaa? Really?! I will let her go, too, though, being that it was put together well enough, more so than some of the other girls. Let's hope she lives up to her name and pulls herself out from the middle of the pack, cause at this point, I'm liking some of the others more than her.
Carmen Carrera
Carmen is a Joysey Girl, and just like her Shore-mates, she seems to have forgotten to have a personality and just GTL's her life away. She's got a pretty good body and isn't afraid to show it, but she needs to put some pants on in the work room. I want Ru to come in and bitch this nudist out for relying too much on her fake-tits-and-assets. She did do a pretty good job on the photo shoot, in my opinion. I actually think she did better than the winner of the photo shoot, Raja, but hey, I'm not calling the shots.
I have no idea what Carmen was doing during the workroom time, cause she seemed to have forgotten to make a dress and just glued some decorations to the naughty bits and called it a day. As cheap as I thought she looked, Vanessa Williams loved her, and you gotta give her props if Wilhelmina herself asks where your tuck went. Still, the girl has gotta stop bronzing her brain away and do something besides nudity.
Mariah
When Mariah first walked into the work room, I got some bitch vibes, and I was worried where she might end up on the bitch spectrum, but she seems to straddle that line like Jujubee did last season. Between the snarky "Mariah was before MiMi, Miss ImFurst!" and the sweet way she helped MiMi pull it together, I started to like her. I guess the problem lies in that we didn't see much out of her this week, so I hope she can have more to do later.
Her outfit on the runway was good, and I liked it a lot. Wilhelmina Slater, for sure, with a dash of Narnia's Ice Queen. As much as I liked her look, I can see why she didn't make it to the top. Ru is quite the literal gal, and very rarely does breaching her rules get you a bonus. At least she didn't end up in the doghouse.
Phoenix
My only problem with this season, at least so far, is that some of the queens are starting to blend together for me. Phoenix is from Atlanta, like Mariah, but ended up with the same outfit as India during the introductions, and ended up doing smashed-up bulbs like Venus, who I thanked for wearing a bandanna during the boy segments, so I could stop confusing them. Phoenix has a bit of attitude, and has almost as bad with the boy voice as Tyra "Boncee" Sanchez from season 2, so she's coming as a bit of a villain (though she seems too obvious a choice, like Tyra last season and Akashia in season 1). I want to like her, but we'll have to see.
Her dress was interesting. She looked like a Christmas General with a Medieval Shield to protect her hair. I'm glad she survived for the next round, since I think she can do better, but there are other queens outshining her, so I don't think she'll see the end.
India Ferrah
Not a fan. It's not just because she had almost the same outfit as Phoenix, it's because she is pretty bland, and kind of nasty, but I'll get to that more with Untucked. Her look itself was nothing new to anyone who's seen drag before, and she didn't say enough during the actual show to present much of a personality.
Her Runway outfit was also...meh. She got herself some fake titties, which is fine, but at least when Akashia in season 1 had a big enough attitude to cover hers, it feels like India is using them as a sort of protection. I'm waiting for Ru to ask India a question and, at a loss, just start jiggling her knockers at Ms. Paul. Here's to hoping we see that soon! Beyond that, I know she was trying to go for gold trimming on her dress, but it looked like stained white fabric. Maybe next time, dear...
Manila Luzon
My jury is still out on Ms. Manila. She said she's originally from Minnesota, so as a Minnesotan, I feel her pain. That said, she often came of as bitchy. Not that she was a standout bitch or anything, but she didn't give off much of a vibe beyond that. Besides, those painted-on eyebrows are in control of all of her actions, or so I believe, so I'll give her a chance to come back.
I would have voted her outfit as the best of the episode, honestly. She was maybe not as edgy as Raja, but she was awesomely elegant. Again, those eyebrows were there, along with a strange whiteness-makeup around her eyes, but hey, she wasn't blinded by an overstarched scarf.
Yara Sofia
Yara didn't have much to do this episode. She was priding herself on being the Puerto Rican Queen, but when Alexis Mateo walked in, she didn't know what to do! Having her very identity ripped out from under her, she was left with nothing but a snarky comment or two.
Her dress was not the best. It looked like she draped some wrapping paper and glued on construction paper circles on the bottom. Then she got down to her booty. Meh. Her contacts are so intense, though! They remind me of Miss Loca, Nina Flowers, and, I shamefully admit, I was not a fan of Nina in the first episode either, so as with Manila, I will withhold judgment...for a little while, at least...
Alexis Mateo
Miss Alexis Mateo was unimpressive. When she walked in, she, right away, wanted to separate herself from being the Puerto Rican, and in a way she did. She was nothing. I have more to say about her, but lets wait for Untucked...
Her dress was actually kind of cute. Salsa-y, with a dash of Navidad thrown in. I am glad she's safe for now, though, since she reminds me of Jessica Wild, who was, up to her elimination, kind of a dark horse. Maybe she'll begin to pop as a contender later, but right now, she's pretty boring.
Stacy Layne Matthews
Miss Back-Swamp-Thing is a standout as the biggest of the big girls, and also as an unfortunate Miss Piggy look-alike. She was very meek and quiet throughout most of the show, but I will commend that she never once complained about how none of the clothes fit her, which I believe was one of Mimi's complaints. I can't help but feel bad for the girl, cause it just would seem too easy to write her off for being too big, but being big is all she has going for her at the moment. At least she has Kermit to make her feel better
Her dress was certainly nothing special, either. I believe Miss Piggy owns one in pink. I think Ru was a little concerned with losing a big girl so quickly again, and I guess the bottom two did do worse than her, but I'm afraid she has nowhere to go but down...
Mimi Imfurst
Mimi is a mess. Not a hot one, mind you, just a mess. This hair you see in the photo? She uses it way too much, and it looks kind of...horrible. She is kind of funny, but unlike Pandora Boxx, who was consistently funny and was not tied down by a horrible semi-fro, Mimi ain't that good.
Then there was her breakdown. By god, girl, pull it together. I understand the pressure, but you are a drag queen on the THIRD SEASON of Drag Race. You HAVE to know that you will need to make a dress at some point. Even Carmen, who was clearly baffled by the sewing machines and probably used Elmer's glue sticks, got something together with out a breakdown. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't cackling with glee at her inability to handle pressure, and it really was sweet when some of the girls rallied around to help her.
The problem was that she ended up doing just fine. I actually thought it turned out great, but I just felt like she acted like nothing had happened. She just hammed it up. Does the girl only have sad and hammy for emotions? I think this girl is gonna make some enemies. I also think her wig is gonna start to smell.
Raja
What did Celebrity Photographer Mike Ruiz© say about her? "She's a graceful gazelle!"? That seems a bit much for just a tall skinny girl. Then it comes to my attention that Raja was a makeup artist on America's Next Top Model. The girl as a goddamn in with famous people. This actually makes me dislike her, since it gives her a condescending attitude to the competition. It was cocky of her to walk in with the cyclops hat, but it worked. Her photo was, honestly, pretty good, but not any more special than the other girls'. She was never an out and out bitch to anyone. She was just above it all. And it pissed me off. If Ru does not serve this girl a dose of reality, I am gonna be pissed.
Then came her outfit, which, fine, was pretty good, but I really thought Manila did a better job. Maybe the judges were swayed by her snow angel during her catwalk, but come on, Celebrity Photographer Mike Ruiz© wants to, or already has, hit that, so keep this girl on the level.
Shangela Laquifa Wadley
Boo! She's back! I am actually glad to see her back. Even though last season, she was a 4-month old queen who went home right away, I think the exposure made her grow up faster. I honestly think that if she had made it past the first round, she would have done pretty well. She also had much more personality than some of her competition, like her combatant in last season's synch-off, Sahara Davenport, who was pretty and a good dancer and as dull as a rock. But Shangela did make a worse outfit, so she did need to go back to work things out and try again.
And tried she did, but unfortunately, it still wasn't good enough. She ended up in the bottom two once again, for using a ridiculous prop and a broken skirt that didn't pan out the way she wanted it to. I felt so bad that she was in the bottom 2 again, but as Celebrity Photographer Mike Ruiz© pointed out, we need to see her beyond her sewing skills. After getting mauled by Venus D-Lite, she survived to round 2.
Venus D-Lite
Well, that was quick. At first, I didn't feel much one way or the other for Miss D-Lite, but as the episode went on, I was ready for her to get outta there. Of course, there was her hissy fit about the crushed bulbs, which was stupid, because who gives a rat's ass. You are all working with Christmas crap, and there is only so much you can do. Besides, if you are more concerned with being "first," you will never be "best." Beyond that, surgery, really? To look like Madonna? cause you look like a pouty-ass-cheeked Cyndi Lauper! Get your money back! Your pesos, or whatever they use in Paraguay.
I did not think her dress was downright horrible, but her hair was really overdone, and as we saw in the lip sync, it doubled as a flail. Before the sync, I wanted Shangela to stay, since she worked her ass back to the runway, but as the lip sync commenced, I wanted Shangela to just murder Venus. What queen is going to want to be on the same stage as her now?
UNTUCKED!!!!
Untucked really speaks for itself, so let's just rundown some of the finer points:
Alexis will not shut up, will she? She claimed that MiMi will be the annoying one in days to come, which she may just be, but Alexis is well on her way towards that spot as well. She just needs to shut up.
Yara asking Stacy if she was a tranny was completely rude, totally inappropriate, and absolutely necessary. She does look like a tranny. I wanted to feel bad for Stacy, but goddamn, she looks like Bubba, the lesbian hot-dog vendor outside of a Nascar speedway.
Any sympathy for Stacy went out the window when she asked Phoenix if she saw any competition in Stacy. That question is dangerous, and it was immature of Stacy not to expect such a response, since she did nothing the whole episode. I did love "You don't know me, I'm very talented!" I have to wonder what the hell she can do, since I don't think "move fast" is one of her abilities.
I admit, after listening to it about 5 times, I am still not sure what Manila was worried she looked like in front of Vanessa Williams, who was draggier than half the queens, by the way, but Mimi's failed joke made it funny, Manila's death stare made it funnier, and Mimi's face dropping was the best.
Finally, what the hell is India's problem? Does she feel the need to be bitchy to compensate for her shark-mouth? Why did she ask about the top 6 already, and after being labeled "safe," why does she think she's doing any better than any 3 of the other safe girls? Cocky bitch.
When Venus walked in and Mariah brought up the dispute between her and Phoenix over the crushed bulbs, I felt a storm brewing, but when India flat out asked Venus "Do you think she copied you?", I just thought that was the dumbest move she could have made. She looks like an instigator, and much like Jujubee, who had the personality to pull off getting in everyone's business, she's gonna get caught up. Unlike Jujubee, though, India is just gonna end up falling hard.
But I have to wind this down. It took me almost a week to finish this write up, so as Shangela would say "Hallelu!", and Hallelu to you, girl, for making it to round 2!
